a decade

From Collages

(Miss Pay, a go getter, a hard worker, an example to her siblings, and a maker of one proud mama)


.....a decade ago, today, she was born, changing my life forever, turning me into something bigger than I ever thought I'd be.....a mother. Who would have thunk that I would relish in that roll, that it would mean more to me than any other element in this big, out-stretched world, that she and her siblings would be the crew, the driving force that help me strive every day to speak kinder, be, and do.....so much better. I owe them a lot for giving me that gift, so when I'm sacrificing, running ragged, doing all I can.....for them, I just consider it little pieces of my pay back.

I've spent the entire week scurrying around like mad doing every little thing in my super mama powers to make Pay's day sublime. It's times like today, when I'm overwhelmed, which seems more often than not, I think of my own mother. I wonder how she did it. My days as a child seemed relatively calm, our home unusually tidy and clean, delicious meals served, fun family adventures were had, and birthdays were full of simple but special things that made us feel loved. Try as I may, to do the same, for me, it seems like such a chaotic struggle.

I hate to admit it, but I've always been hard on my mom, and that's probably an understatement. I haven't been forgiving, and guiltily I cut my mom a pretty small slice of that loathsome "slack"pie. I'm sorry it's taken walking up, down, and all around in her shoes before I could look back, reflect, and say whole heartedly, "I get it."

I get that she tried. She undoubtedly tried. For that, I am genuinely grateful.

I think a lot about my own kids, how they view me, will treat me, and if when they get older they'll want me in their life or consider me more of a nuisance. I'm sincerely hoping they'll give me a generous portion of "slack" pie, and suppose I better start doing better at serving it myself.

I sure learned quick that this parenthood thing isn't easy. It's a juggling act of all kinds of sorts, and I find myself clumsily dropping balls, falling short, and even some days, down right failing. But at this very moment, on this special day, the 10th birthday of my first born, I have concluded.........

I'm trying, oh, how I'm trying.

I witness mothers around me trying, and my own mother tried too. And really, the unmistakable truth is, as long as we're sincerely trying , they'll know.

They'll know...............

they're loved, and THAT, is the only thing that matters.

simple joys

It's been almost 8 months since I shared this post.

It's strange to look back and realize our assumptions were that something was genetically wrong with Baby boy, and all the while, he was genetically just fine, but because of two true knots in my umbilical cord, he was dying and we were closer to losing him than I like to think about.

I've let myself give in to those thoughts and to the thoughts of Ms. Emily's cancer winning her physical battle, but then I stop because those thoughts could quite possibly erode a gaping hole in my heart.

As I attempt to engage with the complexities of life, I arrive at an insight.

We CAN keep going. We HAVE the will to fight against relentless obstacles. Love, care, and concern of others can CARRY us when we are too weak to walk.

I know this to be true.

Words can't express how grateful I am for people in my life who have taught me this, done this for me.

Oh, the complexities of life, I'll leave them to someone else. Instead, this incomplex girl will take comfort in the simplicity of life, like a day spent with these two below. Because that day brought real joy, and I whole heartedly believe...

It is the small and simple joys we experience that guide us to the most intricate path of happiness.

(Emily + Max = true fighters, lovers of life, and givers of joy and happiness.)

From Drop Box

Ahhh.....Christmas.

Christmas 2010

Big surprises

Hand-tied faves


Comical excitement

.....and pink, rock star, hair extension thrills!



I forewarned Bob that Christmas was going to be SIMPLE. I try to "cut back" every year. This Christmas season, I thought I'd accomplished the task quite successfully, until Bob took one flabbergasted look at the loot.

He turned my way. In all seriousness he wide-eyed replied, "I think you might have single handedly pulled our economy out of a recession."

......and he says I'm dramatic?!

farewell

....and just like that, the season closes.

The Broncos kicked some Ute booty tonight, and boy was I glad. The game was a bit closer than I had anticipated, and the first quarter was enough to give me a heart attack and send me into major "panic mode."

Never again, I say.

Never again do I stay home and wave good-bye as Bob and our "Bronco buddies" head out on the open road in pursuit of a bowl game. Me, without my game day posse, it just wasn't right. Lesson learned.....

I can't watch a big game without em'.

I called Bob and begged and pleaded for him to turn around, drive the enormous motor home back the 11 hours, and "pick this girl up!"

Ridiculous, I know, but it's the honest (and pathetic) truth.

I stayed because I couldn't fathom leaving my babes again. I didn't have the GUTS to ask anyone to tend them. It was so close to Christmas and I was nowhere near ready.......so I stayed, gave my ticket to Bob's little brother (Who I am so happy was able to go. There's NO bigger fan than J.!) and stayed.

I knew it was the right decision, but I have to admit, it KILLED me!

Graciously, I had a handful of offers from friends to join em' for the game. To each, I pleasantly declined. I knew, as to NOT embarrass myself, I had to watch the game at home, with only my kids, who other than Bob, family, and the "Bronco buddies", were used to this crazed, "cuckoo bird" fan standing the entirety of the game, pacing the floor, panicking, cussing, squealing, clapping, screaming and hoot hollering at all sorts of loud octavals.

Unfortunately, watching it alone, turned out pretty terrible too.

I'm sad it's all over. Bronco football is serious fun stuff. I guess all I can do now is anxiously await next year, all the while crossing my fingers for a perfect season, a big bowl game, and winning the lottery, so I can bring my kids along, join Bob, J., our "Bronco buddies" and whoever else gets a charge out of......

maniacal cheerin'

the Broncos to a victory.

f e t i s h

From Max's feet

I simply can't get enough of Max's feet. These adorable, soft, kissable, tiny hooves and tootsies.....

have kindled a serious

FOOT FETISH.

c h r i s t m a s c a r d s

Strep throat made its way through our house like a freight train. A bad tempered ear infection latched on to Avery, and the pitiful flu bug bit us all. The number of sheets I've changed and amount of times I've been puked and pooped on in the last few weeks, too many to count. Max and Owen still can't shake their coughs, and a peaceful, restful night of sleep....seems to be a thing of the past. Oh...Tis' the season!

The sun was shining and the weather was unusually warm today. I skipped eagerly to the mailbox, my one and only outing (besides taking the girls to and from school) and happily pulled out a stack of Christmas cards. There were names of old friends, old co-workers, past students of mine, family and friends all placed neatly on an array of envelopes. A tidal wave of emotions rolled over me as I carefully opened each one. Every face, every smile brought a memory, good memories and happy thoughts.

I can easily say receiving Christmas cards from family and friends old and new is one of my very favorite things. I love to be reminded of all those people out there, close and afar, whose presence in my life has meant something and who will always hold a BIG place in my heart. I also enjoy the opportunity I have to proudly display them, in all their glory, smiling merrily on a Christmas card, hanging from my front hallway door.

Ah, Christmas cards, thank you for being a bright spot in my seemingly dull day.

After all were opened I wandered into the office and dug through a mess of papers trying to locate our own Christmas cards from years past. I was able to find as many as 8 years back. I got a kick out of em' and had a grandiose plan to scan and post them here and under each one, add a clever remark, mostly just poking fun of Bob. O.K, ONLY poking fun of Bob! I'll have to save that post for another time, like when everyone around here is well, I can type with both hands freely (Max is on my lap at this very moment), and I don't have a million and one WAY more important things I should be doing.

It makes me wonder.....

Will that day ever come?!

Because I looooooooooooooooong for the day

that it does.

an update.

(Payton, Avery, Owen and Max...saying their final good bye to Great Grandma J who three days later, slipped away peacefully.)

My blog's been abandoned for three weeks. That's a new record. I'm finding myself spread thin, really, really thin. I had no idea, or maybe I forgot, or pretended not to remember....the toll a new baby can take. Even so, I adore and could devour, Mr. Max in ALL his cuteness. Serious lack of sleep aside, I am enjoying him, probably more than any other of my new babes. This, because I'm older, wiser, less anxious, and have learned to "let go" of a lot of things, like the laundry, nightly meals, and the cleanliness of my home!

Lately, it seems I'm shaking my thing all day long, only to get the daily things in tact. What's not happening is time for the "extras", like writing a post on the moments in the last few weeks that have moved me to tears, such as the passing of Great Grandma J, the kids and my visit with her and our final good-bye, Max's first snowfall and catching Payton dancing with him outside under the fresh, white flakes, Owen shedding tears each night, missing his buddy and roommate of two years, Avery, who now shares a room with Payton, Robert returning home from a week in Wisconsin, and me realizing, once again, how much I need that man, enjoying the Thanksgiving holiday with loved ones, sharing memories and listening to stories of my grandmother's childhood, even road tripping to Reno, and with our Bronco lovin' buddies, witnessing a gut-wrenching loss where a much deserving team's high hopes and dreams for a BIG game faded into the distance.

Christmas is a short, few weeks away. I haven't purchased but one thing so far, and the thought of all the shopping, decorating, baking, visiting, party attending, that comes with the season, quite frankly.....makes me restless. I decided this year our family needs to try harder not to bank on anything MAGNIFICENT in the monetary sense. Instead I am going to concentrate on building memories with the kids on a less grand scale. My goal is to enjoy the simple, magical things, make time for our family traditions, serve and give to those in need, focus on our Savior and the real reason we celebrate. By doing this I hope to spend less time running around, fussin' and frettin' over the trivial things that seem to negatively steal our time and energy away from this, "the most happiest time of the year."

The Christmas books are placed in a decorative box at the foot of the fireplace. We've already been enjoying hot cocoa, each in our best-loved mug, and reading our favorite holiday stories by the fire. With shrunken funds and when time is of the essence, I have to remind myself.....

"Things are just stuff. Christmas is about love, .....and we have quite enough."

(Night Before The Night Before Christmas, Natasha Wing.)

color me bad

From hair

Mrs. Platinum Blonde decided it was time for a change. She asked for her "natural" color, whatever that was. So after the stylist matched her roots and underneath, unbleached locks, this is what transpired.

Miss Pay snapped a few shots to show the friends and fam. the new look. "Come on mom, swing your hair, have fun, be cool!"

Fo Real?

Totally, never been cool, me.....let inhibition out of her cage. You bet I gave it a whirl. I spun my mop so hard my head hurt. I placed my finger, ever so cool like, right up next to my lip, oh ya. I even threw myself romantically at Bob when he happened to walk by, interrupting this totally "bad", (the cool sense of the word) photo shoot.

Obviously, none of it was working. The pics.....totally ridiculous. Sorry, Pay. Too cool for school just isn't, and never has been, this girl's flavor.

Now, the pics. below, taken by Miss Avery herself, most definitely suit your MAMA....

much better.

Fo Sho!

From me n pay

When I walked in the door after getting my hair done, Avery took one look at me, threw herself on the floor, rolled around and cried. After calming her down I asked why the tantrum. Her tearful response, "Now I look like I'm adopted!" No worries, no worries, Miss Ave. This creature of habit can't promise, come summer time, I won't transform my hair back to lookin' like your mama.

bob's a geek

From max

Geek. A rather strange sounding word. Green, not my favorite color, especially on Max.

"My dad's a geek," really, that's a bit immature and silly wouldn't you think? Would I go as far as to call it, "stupid?"

A sophisticated person might think so, but instead immature, ridiculous me gets a good chuckle every time I pull this onesie from the clean clothes pile....quickly putting it on the babe.

Admittedly so, the shirt makes me smile. Corny or not....

it's a personal fave.

the "m" word

Yes, the video contains my baby boy blowing an unruly amount of mucus out his tiny nostrils and vomiting freely all over his adorable, baby-wearing, white onesie. I'm apologizing for that in advance, however, it ALSO contains a sound, a word, mock me if you will, that sounds an awful lot like, "mum."

Reason is flaunting a rather impressive campaign, one that's trying to convince me there's no way Max could possibly have said, "mum." He's declaring that it's a mere coincidence that the sound Max's small voice made, just at the exact time the camera was rolling, was indeed peculiarly similar to the name my children call me, but just not so.

However, my Heart tells me Max's sound was undoubtedly the term of endearment, "mum." A word so simple, yet monumentally hefty on the mama scale, because there's nothin', and I repeat, nothin' like hearing your babes say the "m" word!

(Please forgive my absolute ridiculous voice in this video, but I'm convinced there's something about talking to babies that brings out the inner cheese ball in all of us!)